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TREPANATION, Hideous Black Abyss (2013, demo)

The skull:
What we’d really like to see is one of these bands that glorifies trepanation actually be practicing, uh, treppaners, performing live with their holes showing. They could stick stuff in their holes every now and then — a mic stand, a guitar headstock, a drum stick, that sort of thing. If a few bands arise around the same time taking it to the next level like this, perhaps we’ll see a Trepanation Nation tour package. Sky’s the limit! But until then, a bunch of skulls will have to do the dirty work for these bands, and this has resulted in a small, elite subset of the Big Dumb Skull. This guy did his trepanning in a most unorthodox way, taking the route of going up underneath his head and busting out on top. Curiouser yet is the five-pronged stick with which he did this. Come to think of it, the way the eye sockets convey a weary, wild, unwilling, overly-tired look, you wonder if this guy was trepanned against his will. Shit, this ain’t nothin’ but an impaling! Lame. We want our money back.

The music:
The members of this New Zealand trio dress themselves in a manner that recalls Revenge-meets-Sarcofago. Their music never quite gets there though. It’s definitely fucked up and extreme and noisy and all that, but the lack of imagination, or the lack of unhinged, screw-loose realness, never gets off the ground to take flight. As nasty as it’s trying to be, and with all the accouterments one would need to follow in the wake of Revenge and Sarcofago and the like, Trepanation really never convinces on any meaningful level. They sound very much like students that will never rise to the level of the masters. I checked out a live video of the band after listening to this demo, and their shtick comes off better in that realm. It’s still a few significant rungs lower than their masters, and doesn’t captivate quite like it should, but their live performance is very good, so I think the demo turned out way, way too clean for the “hideous black abyss” they were promising. Maybe they’ll get it right next time.
— Friar Wagner

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STAHLMANN, Adamant (2013, AFM)

The skull:
The concept of a crazy clockwork skull is not a bad one, but the execution of the concept here is simply beyond the pale. It doesn’t look like metal so much as cheap, silvered plastic, and there’s a jarring disconnect between the overly detailed gears and the astoundingly undetailed… other parts. It looks like a prototype of an accessory to go with an unlicensed action figure tie-in toy for a movie that wasn’t even released in your country. I do like the monocle, though.

The music:
Apparently this sort of corny electronic pop metal, which originated with Rammstein, is called Neue Deutsche Härte, which translates roughly to “New Wave Of German Young Adult Vampire Movie End Credit Metal.” At least, it’s close to that. Stahlmann itself means “Steel Man,” which maybe doesn’t sound as impossibly stupid to German speakers, and “Adamant” means, as you’d expect, “Adam Ant,” whose New Romantic stylings were clearly very influential on this group of facepainters. Anyway, the music sounds like a way less edgy Rammstein, full of disco beats, braindead non-riffs, and overenunciated German lyrics about steely men of iron, probably. This is atrocious stuff that is so slimily, transparently engineered to part pimply, kohled teenagers from their allowance money that it makes me embarrassed for the band to hear it, and the sooner this sort of thing becomes a universal punchline to jokes about the 00s, the better.
— Friar Johnsen

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BEASTWARS, Blood Becomes Fire (2013, self-released)

The skull:
Here we have a skull cover so badass, so expertly painted, so perfectly perfect in its perfection, there will be very little need for snarky comment here. Look at it! It’s like the greatest science fiction book cover for the greatest science fiction novel ever. A skull slowly creeps up on a planet that once thought him a moon, and then starts quietly blasting away at the planet’s other moons, which he has gathered and brought closer for the denizens of the planet to get a good look at. Or perhaps it is sucking up these worlds like so much inconsequential dust into an industrial size vacuum tube. Problem is, there are no denizens in sight to bear witness, but hey, the main thrust of the mission is being carried out no fucking matter what. It’s like some apocalyptic version of the Asteroids video game come to life above a hot, arid desert planet, and it can’t help but recall Frank Herbert’s Dune series. Cool as hell. Only thing bringing down my enthusiasm is a pessimistic feeling that the music cannot possibly be as good as the cover.

The music:
These New Zealanders throw down some massive, monolithic stuff throughout Blood Becomes Fire. It’s one huge ball of burning sludge slammed up against even huger balls of burning sludge. It’s got an ominous, creepy quality to it, and they have a keener melodic component than most “sludge” bands, helping them transcend the lamentable sludge tag altogether. I hear everything from Giant Squid to Solstafir to Devin Townsend to Belew-era King Crimson in their music, and no doubt these guys would go down very well with fans of Mastodon. While I was hoping for something more along the lines of Ansur meets Gorguts meets Kayo Dot meets Bolt Thrower, I don’t think such a thing exists, so in that case, Beastwars capably convey the more-epic-than-epic imagery of their insanely great album cover.
— Friar Wagner

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MITRA, Mitra (2005, demo)

The skull:
As you can see, this skull was originally very small, as it was drawn in a 5×5 block of squares on a piece of graph paper. This took the guitarist pretty much all of fifth period, and he still has no idea how to factor a polynomial, but it was totally worth it.

The music:
Actually, no, this demo isn’t the work of high school kids, but Texas metal veterans including members of Rigor Mortis and REO Speedealer (one of the greatest joke band names ever.) I couldn’t find this demo, but I did find a live recording of the lead track, which I guess you could call Southern groove thrash or something? I guess it’s supposed to be at least a little silly, which makes sense considering the pedigree of Mitra’s members. They seem pretty tight, but this is not especially interesting much, and if they’re actually meant to be a comedy band, then they’re not nearly obviously funny enough. And anyway, there’s really only one legit player in Southern groove thrash (Texas region, special comedy division), and that’s Agony Column, whose big dumb skulls are unfortunately all steers.
— Friar Johnsen

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SLAUGHTER LORD, Taste of Blood (1986, demo)

The skull:
“Grrrrr!!! You get me down from this cross right…this…minute!!! God damn you kids! I did not ask for this! What??? … I don’t care if it’s upside down! GRRRRRR… Come back here you rapscallions! What’s that??? This is King Diamond’s microphone holder? Well I still don’t give a shit! I’ve got a pie in the oven! God damn you kids!!! Get back here right now. GRRRRR…………”

The music:
I’ve tried to get into Slaughter Lord several times. They’re at least semi-legendary, Australia’s answer to the most vicious phases of Kreator, Slayer, Sodom and Canada’s Slaughter. But their music leaves me cold. And the guitar solo in “Die by Power” is dippy. Guess there’s a fine line between stupid and awesome Exodus-ish dive-bombing whammy bar destruction solos after all. Oh hell yeah, it’s cult…but how good is it really? I don’t get much out of return visits either. I’ve tried. Kinda the same feeling I have with Canada’s Slaughter – tons of respect, but a sense that both bands are slightly overrated.
— Friar Wagner

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SKULL BASTARDS, Promo 2012 (2012, demo)

The skull:
Although skulls with gasmasks are actually an incredibly common visual trope in heavy metal, this is only the second in the Skullection, after Def Con One, which itself didn’t show up until #538. I guess most gaskmask skulls just end up on covers with other skulls, or skeletons, or some other disqualifying element (like a Black Label Society logo). Both of the gasmaskers we’ve seen so far are simple black and white drawings, which begs the question: what band has the balls to strap a real gas mask on a real skull and photograph it (preferably in front of a live fire) for their album cover? Consider the gauntlet thrown.

The music:
Skull Bastards play fast and tight thrash that sounds like early Annihilator at their most stupid. I don’t entirely mean that as a slam, because Skull Bastards are pretty good and play with a genuine ferocity, but they’re totally lacking in nuance and their songs could use a bit more in the way of dynamics. I do appreciate the heavy NWOBHM influence (especially evident in “Evil Night,” the better of the two songs on this demo) that makes Skull Bastards sound more like a lost first-wave thrash band than a bunch of kids aping what thrash would become after even four or five years of development. The croaky vocals are a little better than you get in most rethrash bands, and the lead guitar is ripped straight from Dave Mustaine’s 1986 playbook, which is fine by me. While not original in the least, and although they could really use some more variety in their tunes, Skull Bastards are pretty damned solid, and it’s probably worth checking out their EP from 2013.
— Friar Johnsen

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EUREKA, Eureka (1992, demo)

The skull:
This fella looks like he just did something he knows he shouldn’t have. His look tells us he feels guilty on one hand and kinda proud on the other. Of course, not having hands makes that merely an awkward figure of speech. Dude’ll just have to come to terms with his rash act while the rest of us turn away and go about our own business. He walks in the front door (or floats through the window?), averting his gaze from mom and the rolling pin. Chump’s gonna be grounded forever.

The music:
Man, this is rough. The prospect of a straight-up heavy metal demo from Sweden circa 1992 is an interesting one, but the actual thing isn’t as good as I’d imagined it to be. It’s speedy and chock full of energy, and all the playing is decent, but the riffs are weak and the shouted, drunken, just-barely-melodic vocals let it all down. It sounds like some of those lesser Oz albums (basically every Oz album except for the awesome Fire in the Brain), or what I imagine early uncirculated Rosicrucian demos might sound like…or rehearsal tapes by the first Swedish Tribulation, the thrashy one. This isn’t straight up thrash, and actually is a great example of the distinction between speed metal and thrash. All four songs just lay on the gas pedal and go for broke. It’s Raven-esque in its fastness, and I’ll bet these guys worship that first Jaguar album. Well, worshipped…who knows where they are now or how committed they still are to the sort of music that appears on this demo. All except drummer Tobias Gustafsson, who has made a name for himself playing in considerably more death-obsessed acts such as God Macabre, Torture Division, The Project Hate XCLMIRLXLKMRKKIIX (or whatever), and Vomitory. As for this stuff, it’s not very memorable, and grade school recess topics that give name to such songs as “Dogshit” and “Male Hooker” pretty much seal the deal: I’ve already forgotten about this demo.
— Friar Wagner

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BLOOD TSUNAMI, For Faen! (2013, Indie Recordings)

The skull:
He’s got a mouthful of logo, a fanny pack full of weapons, enough bullets to make, like, two bullet-belts, and a title that invokes Satan in Norwegian. This skull is ready for action! He’ll need some help getting to the action, of course, lacking as he does legs or other means of conveyance, but if you’re willing to carry him, he’ll totally fuck some shit up wherever, whenever! Hey, where are you going? Aren’t you going to take this skull with you? I’m sure he’d really appreciate it. No? Well, fuck you then, the Blood Tsunami skull doesn’t need your fucking charity. Dick.

The music:
Sounding a bit like reunited Destruction but looser, Blood Tsunami bring a lot of speed metal riffs to their thrash metal party, and while there isn’t much of a crossover influence here, the overall vibe leans more toward a DIY/punk aesthetic than the Bay Area nostalgia of your average rethrash band. Maybe they’re just channeling the death/thrash of bands like Destroyer 666 and Desaster. They have some legit black metal pedigree in drummer Faust (ex-Emperor) but the actual black metal content in Blood Tsunami is minimal (though not non-existent). This isn’t bad stuff, and it’s packed with great riffs, but this kind of shambling, fuck-you-all-the-time thrash has never been my cuppa. There’s just something about the attitude that I find offputting, but that’s just a personal thing, and if you like your thrash fast, loud, and rude, then this is probably right up your alley. As an added bonus, the production is refreshingly analog-sounding, without triggered drums or buzzy, overworked guitars. This is bullet-belt metal for sure, and meant for a very specific scene, but if that’s your scene, then you definitely need a piece of this.
— Friar Johnsen

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DEMONICAL, Darkness Unbound (2013, Cyclone Empire)

The skull:
Another of the more densely-populated Subdivisions of the Big Dumb Skull Cover, the Screaming Skull is, more often than not, a cartoony guy. But not this guy. This is one tormented dome of bone. His wretched grimace conjures fear, misery, despair, doom and all the other fun stuff once can associate with meeting one’s end. But what’s with the doohickey affixed to the skull’s top left side? Skeletal remains of a blowfly? A petrified feather? A JFK-ish shard of bone caught just as a bullet grazes the dome? Write down your top 100 guesses and mail it to Big Dumb Skulls, c/o The Council. Only entries written in the blood of a virgin on aged parchment paper will be accepted. One entry per person.

The music:
This skull cover is exclusive to those who bought the limited digipak edition, the one with the cover of Kreator’s “World Beyond.” Skulls are worth the extra effort, and cash, so we applaud this marketing decision. The cover version is pretty much what you’d expect a death-blasted, de-tuned death metal cover of a Kreator song to sound like (the guitar lead is killer, very much respectful of Frank Blackfire while severely out-intensifying him). The original is better, but that’s usually always the case. As for Demonical’s originals, these guys clearly have the patented Brutal Swedish Death Metal sound nailed down tight. With a couple guys from Centinex, you’d expect that. It’s just so incredibly straightforward and unvarying that it gets old fast. And I love this sound, but by 2013, even the brootal-Swede-death revival has lost its luster. We will always return to the first generation when we want the real deal. Unless it’s Tribulation or Morbus Chron or the like, bands actually moving the style forward in leaps (Tribulation) and extra-wide bounds (Morbus Chron). But yeah, I’ll take Toximia or Uncanny over Demonical any day, even if this is undeniably pro and superior in what it’s trying to accomplish.
— Friar Wagner

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THE NEW BLACK, III: Cut Loose (2013, AFM)

The skull:
Sure, this was pulled straight out of the big design folder at a local tattoo shop, the page stained with drool and tobacco smoke, but if nothing else, this is the first BDS to prominently feature hummingbirds, so, congratulations are in order, I guess, to The New Black, who also hereby make their second appearance in the Skullection. Truth be told, their first album is also fronted by a big dumb skull, but I think we’re about sick of this stupid band, so the morbidly curious will have to Google that shit for themselves if they want to fully trace the origins and development of The New Black Big Dumb Skull.

The music:
The New Black are the sort of totally boring band who could be national stars if they were from Finland. They’re unfortunately from Germany, so it’s unlikely they’re huge in their home country, but I guess you never know. They have the glossy, shitty sound of a band trying to rope in a mainstream audience with something nominally “metal” but still totally safe, as if mixing Volbeat and Papa Roach were a viable creative strategy, or if the problem with Black Sabbath is that they sound insufficiently like The Foo Fighters. TNB (as I’m sure they’d like me to call them) are total pros, of course, but they’re also completely soulless. I’d rather listen to nazi black metal from France (not really, but please allow me the hyperbole) because at least those idiots believe in something and are making music for reasons that are not transparently commercial. You can imagine a songwriter in The New Black thinking, “Man, this riff would totally KILL in a video game or an energy drink commercial! The opportunities for cross-market synergy are just off the charts here!” If your main source for new music recommendations is VH1, then maybe The New Black could totally be your jam, but if you’re a metalhead with (some) dignity and self-respect, you won’t listen to this pap.
— Friar Johnsen