KRANK, Ugly Right to the Bone (2010, Retrospective)
I’d like to think that this skull is sporting a gold earring in its left, uh, “ear.” The bone of the skull may be deteriorating, and the cause of death is obvious (those look like bullet holes skidding along the top of his dome) but the earring remains to communicate to one and all: “Even in death I am a cheeseball.” Yes, I’d like to think it’s an earring and not some gold hole in the metal plate(s) behind him, so I’m gonna go with it.
Like so many other metal fans, I have a deep affinity for classic ’80s era Metal Blade. Not just the many great bands they signed, but the artwork (good and bad), the compilations, even the simple label design on the old vinyl records (first tan, then silver). Hugely nostalgic and still totally relevant. Krank’s Hideous is not one of Metal Blade’s finer moments. In fact, it’s one of its worst. (I know — I bought it in 1986, which was, perhaps not incidentally, the year I stopped buying absolutely everything Metal Blade released.) There isn’t a more aptly-titled album either. Fast forward nearly 25 years and we find Krank peddling that same clanky, go-nowhere metal that’s about as appealing as the idea of sucking a hermaphrodite’s cock in an alley behind L.A.’s Gazzari’s while a totally smashed-on-whisky Nitro plays inside. If there was ever a band that had no business attempting to regain its former non-glory, Krank is it. This album is nearly unlistenable. If you want to hear a vocalist that makes Vince Neil sound like Pavarotti and a band that write tunes so insipid it makes Girls Girls Girls sound like Dark Side of the Moon, you might want to check out Krank immediately! Finally, in my delving of metal’s grossest gutters, looking for a copy of Ugly Right to the Bone to listen to, someone on Youtube, apparently without any irony, says “Krank has always been one of my favorite metal bands.” Seriously, that’s what they said. You can’t make that shit up.
— Friar Wagner