Author Archives: Friar Johnsen

SKULL38

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CYCLONE, Brutal Destruction (1986, Roadrunner)

The skull:
So debonair, this monocled skull! His weirdly missing mandibles only reinforce the jut of his privileged jaw. The setting of the image is a bit obscure, though; you would expect a fellow this dapper to be peering out the porthole of his luxury cabin on a deluxe oceanliner in the nineteen-teens, but the finish of the metal strongly suggests a submarine or other military vessel. Perhaps he is aboard a German U-boat, and is in the process of sinking one of those deluxe oceanliners. That might explain the monocle (Colonel Klink’s father: naval hero of the Great War). Or maybe he is, in fact, on a passenger ship but at the bottom of the north Atlantic, himself a victim of the Kaiser’s sea-might. That would account for his skeletality, at least. Is he the victim, or the dealer, of brutal destruction? Dead skulls tell no tales!

The music:
Cyclone’s second album, Inferior to None is a catchy, well written thrash albums with a hint of melody. Brutal Destruction, however, is a rather dull slab of by-the-numbers teutonic speed metal (even though the band were Belgian). Think: just about anything on Mausoleum Records in 1984, or maybe early Deathrow or Warrant (the German one). I will say, I do miss those early days of thrash, before the vocals calcified into an entirely unmelodic affair. Sure, Guido Gevels usually just tunelessly barked out his lyrics, but the occasional pitched scream or melodic fillip goes a long way toward enlivening what is some terribly generic proto-thrash. “In the Grip of Evil” has an unusually swinging drum beat and some catchy sped-up NWOBHM leanings, and the tasteless “Incest Love” (what was it with thrash bands and incest songs?) has an interesting intro riff that sounds like a rejected Mustaine lick, but in general, the highlights are few and far between on this album, and when in the mood for knuckleheaded speed metal, I’ll probably reach for Atlain or Brainfever instead.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL35

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SINISTER REALM, Sinister Realm (2008 demo)

The skull:
A tasteful pen and ink skull with wings. Actually, on closer inspection, are those wings or an imperially windswept skullet of the most literal kind? Either way, what are all the scribbly doodles in the background? This is a nice but incredibly generic image, better suited to a motorcycle club logo/backpatch than an album cover, even if it’s only a demo. Then again, who has money for proper and meaningful art before landing a lucrative deal with a deep-pocketed heavy metal record label?

The music:
Sinister Realm are from around my neck of the woods, and I’ve seen them live a number of times. I haven’t been able to locate a copy of the demo to review, but I believe I streamed it when it was new, and I’ve heard all of these songs live and on the band’s self-titled debut (which also features a wicked skull, even if it’s not quite big enough). Their traditional metal with flashes of ploddy doom can get old rather quickly on stage, but on disc, it works, more or less. Like an Americanized Candlemass, Sinister Realm trade in Sabbathy riffs and full-throated operatic vocals, with the added touch of some Maidenesque guitar harmonies. At times, not much distinguishes one song from the next, especially in the vocal melodies (an endemic problem of doom, in this Friar’s opinion), but Sinister Realm are just good enough on their instruments, at the mic, and in the studio that the occasionally lackluster songwriting is hidden under a sheen of professionalism. For a band that’s often tacked onto the bill of touring acts I want to see, this is about as good as I could possibly hope for.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL33

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RUNEMAGICK / LORD BELIAL, Doomed by Death (2002, Aftermath)

The skull:
Including File > New, this cover could be made in Photoshop in five steps. File > New, gradient fill, paste skull, set layer blending options, insert text. If this took more than 15 minutes to create, it’s because the guy in one of the bands who made it had to download a cracked version of Adobe Creative Suite first. It could only have taken longer if the jawless skull had to be cut out of the cover to the Lunatics Without Skateboards, Inc. album. Which would be awesome.

The music:
I had never heard Runemagick before, and I’m not sure the track I listened to is actually from this split, but it’s the same song at least, and it’s not half bad! A sort of Candlemassy doom with death vocals and some interesting textural clean guitars. Color me surprised! Lord Belial I hadn’t heard since the late 90s, and I definitely didn’t care for them then, although a good friend of mine has a weakness for their debut album, which is pink. Again, I can’t be sure if the track I’ve heard is from this split (there are several versions of the song on YouTube, but none indicate this split as the provenance), and as with Runemagick, I’m pleasantly surprised at how listenable it is. From the cover, I expected this to be the worst sort of shit, but this is pretty well composed, mid-paced black metal, heavy on the atmospherics, with some great riffs and a really good solo. Sure, this sounds like dozens of other Swedish bands, and this style is not exactly in my wheelhouse, but I was hardly in a hurry for it to end. Both tracks are well produced (again, assuming I’m listening to the right ones) and good enough to make me think I should dig a little deeper into these bands’ discographies. The power of the skull works in mysterious ways!
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL31

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NUCLEAR ASSAULT, Alive Again (2003, Steamhammer)

The skull:
As dashed-off afterthoughts go, this is among the laziest, as the skull is not original to this album, but a close-up crop of the skull from their classic sophomore release Survive. Excised from the original cover and plopped, translucent, over a terrible collage of a cemetary, a lyrics sheet, and a clearly-not-moshing crowd, this once proud skull now stares blankly into the middle distance, wondering how it all came to this. “I was signed to fucking Ian Copeland’s label…” he barely recalls as he nurses a double of whatever well whiskey the bartender at the club provided in exchange for his two drink tickets.

The music:
Somehow, I never saw Nuclear Assault back in the day. I had tickets to see them on the Out of Order tour, with Coroner opening, but the show was cancelled due to lack of interest. While it stung mightily to miss Coroner, I never really felt too bad about missing out on Nuclear Assault, as their subsequent live album, Live at the Hammersmith Odeon was pretty terrible, and the band had a reputation among the kids at my school for kind of sucking live. That said, I fucking adore 1990’s Handle With Care, and in fact, all the albums up to that point were good to great. So, when they got back together in the early aughts, I finally got a chance to see them, and they were amazing! They played the tiny upstairs bar of the club they were supposed to play in 1991, and the place was still only three quarters full, but they tore shit up. John Connelly, who is the most adorable little heavy metal hamster you can imagine, was funny between songs and lacerating during them, and the band was on fire. So how’s this live album recorded around that time? It’s okay. The sound is a bit rough, and though it takes the band a few songs to really get warmed up, they play well, and Connelly’s love-em-or-hate-em vocals are as good as you could possibly expect. But, listening to this just doesn’t capture the actual sweaty energy of seeing these guys, long after they gave up on making it, just tearing through a set of the classics because they love it. There’s more energy here than on that first live album for sure, but I think the only way to properly experience Nuclear Assault is the old fashioned way.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL30

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LUNATICS WITHOUT SKATEBOARDS INC., Welcome to the Asylum (1989, Aaarrg)

The skull:
A jawless skull smashing (exploding?) a skateboard! And, do I detect swirls of hypnosis and/or mesmerism in the sockets? A very nice painting that would make Pushead happy, until he realized that copyright law generally protects this kind of shameless style-aping from prosecution. This is a solid and well executed BDS in every way. You might even call it professional, befitting a legally incorporated band. Hopefully they filed as a C Corporation, as I’m sure Lunatics Without Skateboards Inc was a money-losing venture from the start.

The music:
Braindead speed metal that never stops. Everyone remembers the many great bands on Aarrg like Target, Mekong Delta, and Siren. Then they recall that the label also hosted some enjoyable if generic acts such as Holy Moses and Living Sacrifice. Only in the dim recesses of nightmare, at the midnight of the soul, do collectors realize that if they want to own the label’s entire, highly-collectible discography, they’re going to have to buy Welcome to the Asylum and that Calhoun Conquer LP. Night terrors ensue. Fortunately for no one, this album was reissued a few years ago with bonus demo tracks.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL28

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FREQUENCY, Compassion Denied (2008, Scarlet)

The skull:
Time was, if you wanted a big dumb skull on your album, you’d have to photograph one, or hire an artist to paint one (or draw one in study hall). For as dubious an aesthetic choice as it was, it was at least a conscious and aforethought decision. Nowadays, you can just email some guy on deviantART and ask for something evil, and he’ll photoshop a bunch of tentacles and tubes to some skull he found on the internet and call it a cover. It’s a shameless state of affairs which The Council has embraced only out of a relentless passion for big dumb skulls, and what is more dumb than mismatched and only barely anti-aliased Photoshop layers?

The music:
Workmanlike modern power metal not unlike Nocturnal Rites’ last few releases. Good singer, hummable hooks, lazy-but-acceptable riffing. Journeyman vocalist Rick Altzi (At Vance, Thunderstone, Masterplan) is the appeal here: a modern Dio disciple in the Russel Allen vein. As with most European power metal, when the singer is doing his thing, the guitarists are coasting on whole notes or undistinguished chugging, but when the singing stops, there are occasional moments of interest from the six (or, more likely, seven) stringers. The production is of the icepick-in-the-eardrums modern variety, all sharp edges and hard limiting, which makes it difficult to listen to the whole album at a go, but it’s probably best enjoyed piecemeal anyway, since all the songs start to sound the same by the end, even if they’re enjoyable on their own.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL25

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RAGE, Reflections of a Shadow (1990, Noise)

The skull:
Although it looks like it was painted in fifth period art class by a junior class goth, this is a nice, simple skull that works despite an amateur execution. The left-to-right dome-to-teeth orientation is an unusual one in the skullection, as well. It is not clear that we’re seeing any reflections, but at least the shadow of the skull is there, so: points for thematic unity. This is notably one of the few Rage covers that don’t feature the band’s mascot Soundchaser, who is himself fairly skully. Band leader Peavey Wagner, it should also be noted, is a literal collector of skulls, albeit primarily of the inferior animal kind, but his personal collection of hundreds of skulls is nonetheless regarded with admiration by the Council.

The music:
While it was a widely known fact that my love of Rage knows almost no bounds, even I can admit that this is a spotty album. Situated between the awesome Secrets in a Weird World and the monumental Trapped!, Reflections rarely convinces on the merits. While “True Face In Everyone,” and “Flowers That Fade In My Hand” are among Peavey’s best (and most progressive) tunes, the awkward clunk of “That’s Human Bondage” and the corny stutter of “Can’t Get Out” drag the album down to middling in this band’s astoundingly large discography. This was also the last album where Peavey thought he had any business trying to hit the stratospheric high notes, which even he admitted sounded a bit like Mickey Mouse, although the final screams in “Flowers” are a spine-tingling highlight of a poignant and personal song. Compared to their last few albums, this is still a very good disc, and if it had come before, or after, their prime period (instead of smack in the middle) I think it would be held in much higher esteem by me, by the fans, and by the band.
– Friar Johnsen

SKULL21

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IRON MONKEY, Ruined By Idiots: Live and Unleashed (2002, Maniac Beast)

The skull:
A closeup of a skull in a light box. As cheap and bland as possible. Maximum stupidity from a band that specialized in the same.

The music:
By the time Iron Monkey’s debut was released on Earache, it was clear that the label was ruined forever. Sure, in the early days there were Sore Throat and Fudge Tunnel albums to contend with, but at least there were Bolt Throwers, Carcasses, Nocturni, and so on to keep the average high. When Iron Monkey dropped, they shared roster space with Ultraviolence, Dub War, and Pulkas. Truly a dark time. At least Iron Monkey were undeniably a metal band, even if they were just a shitty British take on Helmet and Clutch. Ruined By Idiots collects all the live and radio sessions (plus a few studio cuts) that you labored so diligently to avoid in the first place.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL20

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DORSAL ATLANTICA, Antes Do Fim (1986, Lunário Perpétuo)

The skull:
The skull is hammered full of nails and staples, but it’s the eyes that draw you in! The eyes say it all, or at least all that needs to be said: “This is the worst.”

The music:
Typical, if not prototypical, of early Brazilian thrash, Antes do Fim serves up a sloppy mix of Slayer and the German three. Unpleasant production and incredibly boring drumming dominate. While this Friar can certainly appreciate the historical significance of Dorsal Atlantica (and has always loved their name), he cannot admit to actually liking them. The band reconvened in the mid aughts to re-record this album, and that version is certainly a more enjoyable listening experience, but even so, it’s hard to call this an essential album in any form.
– Friar Johnsen

SKULL18

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CRADLE TO GRAVE, CTG (2004, Year of the Sun)

The skull:
Fire and ice, baby! Fire and ice! The purity of vision here is to be commended: black background, skull, illegible logo on forehead, nothing else. The flames look they were created by following the instructions in the first link returned by Googling, “photoshop fire”, but otherwise, this is a finely crafted BDS.

The music:
Filed under “groove metal” in Metal Archives, this is one of those bands who sound immediately familiar, yet it’s impossible to say who they sound like. I think this is because people of taste generally don’t listen to any bands like this on purpose, and yet we encounter them all the time, as the first opening band of a six band touring package, or drifting out of Hot Topic as we walk past on our way to the food court while Christmas shopping. Terrible tough-guy vocals distract from some occasionally decent riffing, but the grey, midpaced monotony of the songwriting makes it rather hard to sit through more than a track or two before the mind starts to wander. I am not inspired to pursue their discography any further, and if they produce another big dumb skull as choice as CTG‘s, I’ll give Friar Wagner a chance to cut his teeth on Cradle to Grave.
– Friar Johnsen