SKULL611

CHEMIKILLER, Evilspeak (2006, Autopsy Kitchen)

The skull:
What’s more evil than a collection of ghastly free fonts and a cheap-looking skull bleached to near-glowing by a succession of ineptly applied Photoshop filters? All that and a pentagram. The logo here looks like it took someone days to create while the rest of the art was seemingly dashed out in the 15 minutes somebody had left before he had to get down to the stop to catch the bus. The Antichrist’s passion is clearly not for the graphic arts.

The music:
This reminds me of some of the early Noise Records bands who teetered briefly on the fence separating power metal from early thrash. Think Running Wild’s earliest material, or the first couple Rage discs. The music is simple and largely derived from Judas Priest and Accept, but it’s played fast and with a grimy intensity and topped with vocals that aren’t exactly melodic, but aren’t atonal, either, and recall Wargasm’s Bob Mayo and another early Noise hero, Tom G. Warrior. Yes, Evilspeak is unabashedly retro, but it harkens back to a time and sound that no one else seems particularly interested in revisiting, at least not yet. Sadly, the primary mover in the band, guitarist/vocalist Ramrod, died in 2010 and this album is the last full length release from ChemiKiller. They were even from my neck of the woods and I never caught them live (although maybe because they were a studio project – I can’t really say for sure) but there’s enough good material here to suggest that better things were to come from this band.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL599

MORBID COMMAND, Vox Spectrum (2011, demo)

The skull:
Ordinarily, the presence of a spine is enough to disqualify a skull from being a proper Big Dumb Skull, but The Council occasionally allows it when, as here, the spine is not so much a suggestion or part of a skeleton, but some kind of wicked rat rail for a gnarly skull. And this skull is definitely gnarly. He could be bigger, but he couldn’t be dumber, or angrier, possibly because he’s sick of dragging his goofy spine around. His skull buddies started calling him Snake Dickskin, and that’s really starting to chap his (metaphorical) ass. They’ll be (figuratively) ribbing him, and he’ll be like, “You know I can’t get it off, because I don’t have any hands either, but if one of you fucking jokers wants to bite it off, be my fucking guest!” So far, he’s had no takers.

The music:
This is the sort of demo that might now be a classic had it come out in 1985 — a murky, sloppy slab of Teutonic death/thrash that plays up the elements of the style that would later influence black metal. But even so, demos like that only really became classic in retrospect, when the bands who made them grew up and got a little better. Had Destruction stopped with Bestial Invasion of Hell, or Kreator with End of the World or Sodom with Witching Metal, would anyone but the most diehard lovers of shitful noise care? Sure, those tapes found an audience in the early 80s, but they’re only known now because of Release from Agony, Pleasure to Kill, and Persecution Mania. And it’s not clear that Morbid Command ever reached anything near those heights before breaking up in 2013 (although I will grant they were definitely starting to get there by the time of their last split release). A certain kind of retro metalhead will love this, the kind who has bootleg Warrant and Poison and Slaughter patches on his denim and still gets kind of pissed when people think he’s boosting hair metal bands, like he’s some kind of fucking poser.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL573

BESATT, Hellstorm (2001, Seven Gates of Hell)

The skull:
Man, what a mess. It’s like someone decided to make a montage cover using only photos of magazine prints of bootleg pressings of eastern European records from the 70s. And maybe a denture ad. There are actually two versions of this cover. There’s this one, which I presume is the original, then another where all this is faded to near invisibility and pasted into some generic lightning photo. Though that might better communicate the “storm” aspect of the title, this better captures the “Hell,” and anyway, here the skull is bigger and so much dumber. Just so fucking dumb.

The music:
It seems like it’s been a while since I was assigned a straight-up black metal album. I still don’t like it. Besatt are boring as all fuck, although I guess they’re relatively competent as these bands go. They’re kinda like Gorgoroth, I guess. Maybe old Satyricon. When you think about it, if you’re playing “traditional” black metal, you’re ripping off one of, like, five bands, and you’re going to suck in the same way they did. Your guitars will be murky, your vocals screechy, your keyboards paddy. Your drummer will record the entire album with only three beats and two fills. If your songs are in English, then they’ll have titles like “Baphomet,” “Funeral Wind,” “For the Glory of Satan,” “Gates of Hell,” etc. The only difference is that you won’t be the first to suck the way you do, but the MILLIONTH. Seriously, there are a metric fuckton of bands like this, and the world doesn’t need more. But so what? You’re in a shitty band, or maybe you just love shitty bands. Maybe you also love Marmite, Full House, and the films of Uwe Boll. Just keep that crap to yourself, and we can still be friends.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL537

GODAWFULNOISE, No Escape (2011, self-released)

The skull:
Godawfulnoise hail from the urban dystopia of Glendale, Arizona, and its to their credit that they’re making a direct statement on their hometown with their cover art. I always assumed that getting out of Arizona was an easy and natural thing to do, but maybe I’m mistaken. I don’t know who invented this black, white, and stenciled motif, but I assume they sit at the head of some sinister grind cabal that enforces the norms of the genre, as pretty much every underground band dresses their releases this way. Usually the look is quite dour, but Godawfulnoise leaven the scene greatly with their widely grinning Big Dumb Skull, who is just beaming positivity, and that despite having a pentagram chiselled into this forehead. It’s a nice/ridiculous touch that the skull is actually a pencil or charcoal sketch, and not a photo, flying in the face of standard practice. The Council of Grind is no doubt displeased. Maybe I can get a member of The Council (of the Elders of the Skull, aka, the one true Council) to ask about it at the next intramural Council Volleyball picnic.

The music:
With a cover like this, you know you’re in for some crusty grind, and Godawfulnoise deliver according to expectations. Actually, there’s more grind than crust, as Godawfulnoise crib about 95% of their sound from Napalm Death, but I’m sure there’s some Discharge somewhere in their collections. While I was recently impressed with the grind of Jesus Ain’t In Poland, Godawfulnoise are utterly unnecessary, offering absolutely nothing that you’re not already getting from Napalm Death, and if you don’t like Napalm Death, you’re definitely not going to like this band. If you’re the sort of person who’s watching blastbeats on the fourth stage at Maryland Death Fest at 11:00am, then by all means, track down this EP (10 songs, 13 minutes) but otherwise, steer clear.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL529

HELL MUÑECO, Doom Core (2009, demo)

The skull:
This guy reminds me of a Japanese Oni, what with his curved horns and fangs, not to mention the salacious look in his hideous peepers. With dentition like that, closing his mouth is probably next to impossible, but I imagine he gets by, mainly by screaming at all times and avoiding labial consonants. Then again, even if he could get his mouth shut, I guess the absence of lips would still make that sort of sound challenging, but other skulls manage to make them somehow. How, I don’t know! It’s times like this that make me wish we had a skull linguist on retainer to answer these burning questions.

The music:
Droopy doom metal with a cheap drum machine. Hell Muñeco are at least doom of the Solstice sort, and not a straight Sabbath knockoff, so you can expect riffing that’s a little more creative, and a little less reliant on the fuzz pedal for impact, than you get with your average weed-obsessed sludge merchant, but at the same time, the terrible vocals and Casio-grade drum samples really make this an unenjoyable listen, which is a pity because the writing and guitarwork are generally pretty solid, and certainly better than most of the doom bands we encounter around these parts. If the band found a stronger singer and a real drummer, they could probably grow into something interesting, but that could be said of an awful lot of bands, so I’m not holding out for a masterpiece from Hell Muñeco.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL498

DARK DEVOTION, Rehearsal 2009 (2009, demo)

The skull:
Wary be, ye hirsute skulls whose mangy locks dangle from thy rotting domes, lest thy foetid tresses become entangled admidst the stalagmites upthrust from the deep recesses in which ye dwell, and ye be pulled down and indeed impaled thereon. Thy graven stars, powerful though they ordinarily be, shall afford thee no protection from such odious entrapment, and long may ye tarry against thy wills in these lowly places. Thy dark devotion in such times shall verily be tested sore.

The music:
Only ten copies of this rehearsal demo were released, and naturally, I am one of the damned souls who owns one. After hearing the merest rumors of their 2008 opus #08, I decamped to Ciudad Victoria in Mexico, where I made nightly rounds of the town’s cemetaries. One fateful evening, I caught a glimpse of a ghoulishly painted man making blasphemous entreaties among the fog-wreathed sepulchers, and I followed him thereafter to discover his lair. I patiently surveilled the location until such a time as he welcomed several other corpselike persons into his company, and then from the bowels of that foreboding place, I heard the sinister strains of the most unholy black metal. I laid a freshly severed goat head before their threshold and hid myself, knowing they would find my offering. This ritual I repeated for 13 nights, and on the following evening, which was indeed marked by a full moon, the band did not gather at their black conventicle (having no doubt more sinister affairs to attend to elsewhere), but on the spot where nightly I left my grim sacrifice, a starkly illustrated CDR was left. I ran with this gift back to my meager lodgings and immediately inserted it into the player, whereby I was assaulted by the shittiest, most cliche black metal imaginable, and I realized how truly I had wasted my time for the better part of two months.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL474

CTATYC, Я в покое, пока я мёртв (2006, demo)

The skull:
Sometimes a skull cover is so killer that reaching for any kind or smarmy, smart-ass commentary would be totally insincere, so I’m not even gonna try. This is a fine piece of art. Too bad about the extra pentagram in the upper right corner, which is redundant in light of the bright one marking the skull’s forehead. Otherwise: this is terrific. The skull’s features are made much more interesting by the candles:  the skull looks like it’s starting to drip, as molten wax, and at the same time it looks like an illusion or hallucination originating from the smoke and light of the flickering flames. Ponder a bit and you’ll see it. I’m going to assume this is some early 20th or late 19th century piece of artwork, and if so, good on them for finding it. If it’s something made exclusively for this ridiculously obscure demo, even better.

The music:
I couldn’t locate this exact demo, but from the other material I was able to find it was easy to surmise that this Russian band’s mid-paced thrash/black/death metal doesn’t measure up to the coolness of their album cover. Dull stuff that reminds of Non Serviam era Rotting Christ if it was played by 13-year-olds all wearing Amon Amarth shirts. The vibe is there, and they’re tight, but you don’t need it.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL470

EMPERADOR, Gloria en la Oscuridad  (2011, Unblack Metal Scene)

The skull:
This is a first: a skull split vertically down the middle. What manner of implement could cleave a skull in such a manner? Only a Ferm 800w Table Saw with Mitre Function 240V, and doncha know, the Ferm 800w Table Saw with Mitre Function 240V is the official circular table saw of Big Dumb Skulls. As Seen on TV: “When You’ve Got to Cleave a Skull and You’ve Gotta Do it Now, Make a Ferm Decision.”

The music:
Is there really a record label called Unblack Metal Scene Records? There is. And you can pretty much assume most if not all the bands on the roster are shit. If Swine Suicide and Willow Mount number among your favorite artists, then you either have terribly oppressive Christian parents who don’t care if the black metal you listen to sucks, or you simply have crappy taste in black metal — probably both. Emperador are not the worst offenders playing this sort of thing, but they’re a mess and they’re incredibly derivative of the Norwegian and Swedish black metal bands of the early ’90s. Except they love God, Christ and the Mother Mary. Great, huh? Not really. That everything was apparently recorded on a boom box in the basement doesn’t help their cause. There’s a fine line between sounding necro and sounding crappy. Guess which side of the line Emperador falls on? Nice try, and again, I’ve heard much worse, but this is pointless on a number of levels.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL453

PHANTASM, Keeper of Death (1993, Russian Disc)

The skull:
As promised with SKULL419, here is the successor to Russia’s Propeller. These guys really upgraded their aesthetics here. Of course, Phantasm is a much more awesome (if unoriginal) name than Propeller, and this skull is also mas macho. Whereas the Propeller pentagram was a kind of bladey thing, here we have barbed wire which is actually threaded through fissures in the skull (a nice touch!) Propeller featured what looked like a marionette skull, but Phantasm’s skull is clearly a badass dude. And while there’s still the issue of the too-big eyes, this guy makes up for it by dripping blood from his nose and mouth. Everything about this guy screams, “You motherfuckers thought you knew about death and pain? Well, you don’t know SHIT.”

The music:
Unfortunately, while Propeller got their look together when they changed to Phantasm, they sure as hell didn’t get their act in the studio together. This is the same kind of deathy thrash, but the sound is atrocious and the playing mysteriously sloppier. This was only recorded a year or so after that Propeller demo, but it sounds like it might have been made 5 years before. It’s a very strange regression for a band who, as of their demo, sounded like they knew what they were doing. That said, this being a proper LP and not a demo, it’s acquired a reputation as an underground classic in some circles, and if you like caveman death metal a la Master, then you might really go in for this, shitty production and all. Granted, you won’t find it for less than a small fortune, but spending hundred of bucks on a totally inessntial LP from Russia will make it sounds way more awesome, at least in your mind.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL440

PROCLAMATION, Advent of the Black Omen  (2006, Nuclear War Now! Productions)

The skull:
Herewith the Council and your friendly Friars do present a special three-skull installment surveying the artwork of Spain’s Proclamation. This is a band the Council are especially fond of, considering their single-minded dedication to the skull. Of their four full-length albums, all feature a skull. Only the fourth one, 2012’s Nether Tombs of Abaddon, disqualifies itself for inclusion into the Skullection, due to the added ribcage and suggestion of a skeleton beyond the skull itself. But let us rejoice in the three covers that have been inducted, the first one being Advent of the Black Omen. Here we see a human skull adorned with massive curled ram-like horns wrapped around the points of a pentagram. Now, according to our sources and statisticians, we do believe we have seen this exact same motif before…we are holding now for confirmation of its unoriginality…and…wait…and…yes, indeed, we have seen this motif here at BDS headquarters, about 187 times, according to our guys in the truck. We appreciate its dedication to tradition, and please note that the inverted crucifixes, complete with inverted Christ, are a relatively innovative touch.

The music:
Given Proclamation’s rather traditional choices in skull cover artwork, and the repetition across their discography of said choices, we can’t act surprised that the band’s music itself is equally derivative. Considering the issuing label and the band’s  image, we should actually hope this sounds a lot like Blasphemy, and sound like Blasphemy it does! Posing in a graveyard, adorned in hundreds of pounds of spikes, chains and molested Catholic crucfixes, this bands look very clearly mirrors their sound:  blasphemous, frightening, obnoxious, oppressive, over-the-top, otherworldly, and, let’s face it, ridiculous. Had they originated this style of metal, it would be a lot more impressive, but considering how many generations removed from the original it is, one can only sit in amazement as it blazes by in its crazed rawness, sounding exactly like the missing link between Fallen Angel of Doom and Gods of War. As the only Friar who very much enjoys Blasphemy, Beherit, Sarcofago and the like, I will always have a soft spot for this sort of blasphemous noise; the aesthetic is appealing, always, but due to its intentionally derivative nature, anything recorded beyond the mid ’90s is caught in a vacuum of diminishing returns.
— Friar Wagner