Author Archives: Friar Wagner

SKULL256

Posted on by
Reply

BEATEN BACK TO PURE, The Burning South  (2004, This Dark Reign Recordings)

The skull:
Pretty boring cover motif, but exactly what you would expect from a band playing “Southern Sludge/Doom Metal,” which is what Metal Archives says is this band’s modus operandi. Here we have a sketched skull with crossbones laid over a backdrop of ivy and a rebel flag. Zakk Wylde and Jimmy Bower would be proud.

The music:
I expected this to sound like Black Label Society meets Eyehategod, but it’s not like that (thankfully). The rock/metal is of an older school, like maybe early heavy Kiss or Scorpions, and the doom is more traditional, maybe Count Raven or Saint Vitus, and its  melodic sensibility is something more akin to various European metal bands than anything “Southern.” The sludge element comes, apparently, from the propensity of slower tempos and maybe the vocals, but it’s got a more buoyant feel than the “sludge” tag suggests — and it’s not all that de-tuned, either. The music, especially on something like “Where the Sewer Meets the Sea,” is craftily written, with good performances, a cogent and compelling musical story told through thoughtful arrangements, and a diversity of melodic choices and some fairly okay riffs. But it all sinks to a heap of crud when the vocalist opens his mouth. He’s throaty and gruff, yet mixed so far back and so inconsequential it sounds like they took their sweet-ass time recording all the music first, only to be left with one single hour of remaining studio time to track the vocals. They sound that rushed and are that unimaginative. Too bad, because musically this was quite a surprise, and they have something decent to offer.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL254

Posted on by
Reply

ARDKORE, Napalm Stix to Kidz!!  (1989, Metalworks)

The skull:
Looking like it was ripped straight from the back cover of a fourth-grader’s notebook, this
image piles on the cliches: a skull, a fallout shelter/radiation symbol, and the anarchy “A” scratched into his forehead. The skull tries hard to look ferocious, but no dice. The band logo and especially album title font almost make it look like a Screeching Weasel album. They do have punk leanings, so there you go. What’s with the detached bottom jaw and the thin two-pronged tongue? Man…how long till we get to Skull 666?

The music:
Mindless and pointless, if perfectly competent, this band, like so many British thrashers
offered too little too late. So it is with this album, a bland pile of crossover thrash. 16 songs, 36 minutes, titles like “Kill the Lollipop Lady,” “No Fear” and “Judge of Death.” Yawwwwn. File it away with Cerebral Fix, D.A.M. and Virus and move right along. Nothing to see (or hear) here…
–Friar Wagner

SKULL252

Posted on by
1

BLACK JACK, Five Pieces of Eight  (1985, Metal For Melbourne)

The skull:
This is the second skull cover I’ve seen this week that includes a hovering pistol. (And that’s a sentence I have never before typed in my life.) But everything’s levitating here: the gun, the sword, the skull itself — although skulls do lots of floating around these parts. The image is made complete by the headband, earring and eyepatch, even if the latter is functionless on a skull. The dude is clearly out for revenge, ready to kill those who glanced that cannonball off his head and took some bone off the top. And check out the extra contrivance of an ear bone, an artistic prosthesis of sorts, so the skull could sport an earring. Muhfugga’s crazy! This skull has all the goods to rape and pillage on the high seas…except a ship.

The music:
Back in 1983 when Running Wild were still singing about evil, hell, and the occult, this band from Melbourne, Australia quietly invented the genre that Running Wild gets credited with founding: pirate metal. Their ’83 demo flys the Jolly Roger right there on the tape cover and features songs like “Crusader’s Revenge” and “Spanish Lover,” back when Rock ‘n’ Rolf’s only knowledge of a “Jolly Roger” was the gay bar down the street in Hamburg. Black Jack released this EP in 1985 and continued the pirate theme. “Man at Arms” is doom-laden and dirgy, with some loping, soaring guitar leads, and the guy’s pretty good, although the song itself meanders. They pick up the pace on “Highwayman’s Inn” (clunky NWOBHM-style stuff) while “Hot Rocket” pairs terrible lyrics with even worse vocals. The playing is sufficient, and the lead guitarist better than that. The energy is high too, but the recording is downright dire. A bit of a shambles, really, and something for only the most indiscriminate lover of metal obscurities. Ultimately its 25 minutes soar by in a fog of uselessness. On a historical basis, you gotta hail Black Jack, the true founders of Pirate Metal! (Or “Damn you Black Jack!” if you think the whole pirate metal thing is totally fucking silly.)
— Friar Wagner

SKULL251

Posted on by
1

HARTER ATTACK, Human Hell  (1989, Arena)

The skull:
“Smile!” says the artist, and this skull is very happy to oblige. “Gosh, it’s just such a nice day out there!,” beams the skull, “and I’m really happy that Harter Attack chose me, out of the billions of skulls they could have chosen, to grace their album cover! I understand they’re going to be the next Metallica, or Testament, and I, for one, will help them convey a sense of danger by appearing all skully on their cover! Human hell, maybe, but it’s not hell for a skull! Oh heavens, not at all! It’s wonderful! Even those red splotches of blood and the half-assed way the artist is currently rendering my visage couldn’t get me down! Not on a day like today! It’s just so sunny and nice out there! Harter Attack, Harter Attack…yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Harter Attack!”

The music:
This is the only album released by New Jersey thrash trio Harter Attack. Not-very-cleverly named after guitarist/vocalist Rich Harter, the band were there back in 1986 releasing demos, so they’re not quite the bandwagon-jumping variety you’d see a lot of in 1989. Members of Riot and Nuclear Assault breezed through their ranks at one point, and the N.A. link runs deep: NukeAss drummer Glenn Evans produced this album, released it on his Arena Records label, and co-wrote a couple songs. Even bassist Dan Lilker got in on the fun, co-credited with a song called (I love this) “Nuclear Attack.” What you get on Human Hell is neither top-tier nor totally vanilla thrash metal. It does its job and does it well, very much in the NY/NJ mold, reminiscent of Nuclear Assault, Anthrax and Overkill, although not as distinctive as those. Think more along the lines of Jersey Dogs and Gothic Slam, but better. The playing is solid all the way through, the production punchy and dry, you get a few truly good riffs occasionally, the vocals are…okay, those are vanilla. This is not a long slog at 34 minutes, but after the first few tracks it falls flat, and that’s Harter Attack’s downfall: they lack any real variation. There just aren’t enough interesting melodic or rhythmic moments to spread over the whole album. They carved out their tiny little niche in thrash history and it’s still better than much of the retro-retro-thrash littering the marketplace at the moment, so let’s maybe give one half-hearted cheer for Harter Attack. “Yay.”
— Friar Wagner

SKULL248

Posted on by
Reply

CALIBRE 38, Calibre 38  (1988, Heavy Discos)

The skull:
Look at this cover. See how dodgy it is. Now imagine that, 11 years later, it was released on CD with a very similar skull cover, yet even more dodgily rendered! (“Dodgily” is not a real word, but it is in the land of Big Dumb Skulls.) We’re sticklers here at BDS, so let’s examine the original: It would appear this skull has some blood left in it from the long-gone fleshly remains, enough to have sprayed “Calibre” on that white piece of driftwood (or chewing gum stick) above the skull. The gun (apparently a .38 caliber pistol) possesses the magical power of levitation. But what’s pulling the trigger? The lousily-drawn skull has no answers; he’s one of the dumbest and clueless specimens we’ve come across, so no point trying to get answers out of him. At least the “artist” added some fire and lightning. You can’t lose with fire, lightning, guns and blood.

The music:
You wanna talk about “dodgy,” you’ve come to the right place. This 37-minute album features 6 over-long songs that sound very much like the product of excited young heavy metal fans with barely-adequate talent hashing together riffs stolen from their favorite NWOBHM obscurities. The vocals are the worst part of this thing: yelping, ridiculous, impossible to appreciate. This is very much in the strictest NWOBHM tradition, complete with its rawness and naivete, although none of these songs make much sense, their arrangements ranging from haphazard to absolutely confused. (Kind of rare that a metal band from Brazil was playing anything but death/thrash/black metal in 1988.) Opener “Futura Passagem” benefits from being the shortest track here, in that they have less time to go astray. So it’s a good choice as opener. Closer “Tempestade” opens with the storm sounds of “Black Sabbath,” so similar that they might be sampled from the original 1970 recording, I’d have to A/B that to make sure (not that I’m actually going to waste anymore time with this thing than I have to). The opening riff in “Tempestade” sounds like they inverted the famous main riff to “Smoke on the Water.” I’m not saying “Tempestade” is a highlight of Calibre 38, I’m just saying stuff about it because there’s something to say. There are no highlights here. Don’t waste your time.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL246

Posted on by
1

GODZILLA, II  (1990, Metal Enterprises)

The skull:
Simple, effective, and totally misleading in that you believe you’re in for a rollicking bout of epic metal action. The skull is hungry for battle and has got the sweet helmet to prove it. “Give me war!” he cries. You’re thinking “Manilla Road…Brocas Helm…Ostrogoth…Omen” just about now right?

Wrong.

The music:
Holy mother of god, this is horrendous. Utterly fascinating, but horrendous. So what do we have here? There’s opener “Ingoz,” a bit of raw sludge that acts as a thematic intro to a way-too-long, unintentionally-dissonant, super-retarded cover of “Helter Skelter.” “Ass of the Prophet” is as thick and ugly as ashtray molasses, and it incorporates harmonica to add insult to injury. It also features some completely clueless vocals. A slow blues, basically. Are you braindead yet? Then there’s the utterly horrifying reggae/’80s pop car-wreck of “I Followed the Zombie,” rendering the label name “Metal Enterprises” an egregious case of false advertising. There’s more…so much more…and no real reason to report any further on it, although I did my best to endure this album a couple times in one sitting. I’ve heard a lot of shitty albums, and this one is at the top of that list (most Metal Enterprises albums are fighting for space on that Top 10, and winning. Like Killer Fox). I can’t think of a more directionless, pointless, inept and incompetent album. I doubt if even the most fanatical collector of traditional heavy metal obscurities would find this an acceptable addition to their collection. This really is more for enthusiasts of remarkably bad music, who will enjoy throwing away 45 minutes of their life with this circle of crud. This almost makes me wish I was listening to yet another skull-friendly Pantera clone. Godzilla’s II is one of those records that has a far more interesting and entertaining history behind it than what the actual music offers. (Can you imagine what Godzilla I is like?) For a highly informative view into this label and their dubious releases, I recommend you go here.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL244

Posted on by
Reply

MAZO, Mazo  (1982, Mercury)

The skull:
Anything wearing a biker cap is setting itself up for gay jokes, so I won’t go there. This skull is trying so hard to be bad-ass, not just the cap but that look of near-madness in his eyes and the cig dangling from his mouth. Like, “I’ll smoke as much as I want to…I’m already dead.” The rest of the album cover has a color and design scheme that could ONLY come from some third-rate ’80s European metal band…or some new hipster band out of southern California co-opting this very aesthetic without really giving much of a fuck about real metal beyond maybe Iron Maiden…Saxon if they’re really digging deep. But I digress. I’m gonna guess Mazo sounds like a scrappy Krokus. Ah shit, I can’t help it: this skull looks flaming-ass gay.

The music:
Okay, these Spaniards are no Krokus. It’s hardly metal, actually — certainly no more metal than the punky pub-rock that sometimes passes for metal in the NWOBHM realm. Nah, this is more like Ramones meets Motorhead meets generic late ’70s hard rock meets some semi-melodic Spanish pop-punk band (I don’t know a single Spanish punk rock band, so I can’t name names). It’s very energetic, totally upbeat and bright, and a whole lot of fun if you’re into carefree, intentionally one-dimensional rock/punk. Occasionally there’s a melodic guitar line that’s somewhat in tune with the Judas Priest/Iron Maiden trad-metal vibe (“Has Cambiado”) or a riff that gets a bit more dark and serious (the last half of “Depresion” is pretty cool), so I can understand how Mazo ended up appealing to metalheads, especially in 1982, and I’ll give ’em a pass there. But as well-played as this is, and well-sung too, I can’t get into it. They’re just so damn jolly-sounding. What’s their deal, don’t they know there are huge problems to shout about in this world? Wasn’t the Iran/Contra scandal happening around this time? The Star Wars anti-missile defense system? What about all that? Mazo didn’t give a fuck. Pretty sure I would have taken a chance on this as a 12-year-old in 1982, since it has a skull on the cover, but I probably would have been disappointed even back then.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL242

Posted on by
Reply

BLOOD THIRSTY DEMONS, In the Grave  (2004, C.M.)

The skull:
Two of two in our look at Italian band Blood Thirsty Demons, who somehow made it into the Skullection with two skull album covers in a row. I have not yet conferred with the good friar Johnsen regarding his views on the band’s music, but I’m pretty sure I got the superior cover. It’s immediately apparent that this skull is not in the grave at all, so I’m assuming he’s a runaway, or perhaps taking some kind of furlough from his skull-in-the-grave duties to tra-la-la his way through the beautiful Italian countryside. I would not be surprised if the next panel in this skull’s adventures found Dorothy, Toto and the Scarecrow skipping down the road and coming upon the skull. They would quickly realize he is not the next one they’re looking for (the Tin Man), so the Scarecrow gives a swift kick to the skull and they carry merrily on. This leaves the skull deeply hurt, wishing he’d never left the grave in the first place. It ain’t yellow brick, this road, it’s a sloping, bumpy dirty path, but c’mon people, a friar’s gotta use his imagination this far into the Skullection.

The music:
Sanctis Ghoram of the Paul Chain band and that guy in Dark Quarterer are pretty terrible singers, but they have a kind of charm. The dude in Blood Thirsty Demons, however, is just a shitty vocalist; no charm, no character, nothing. And musically this album is a shambles, merging traditional metal, doom, a little thrash, even some punk. None of it is interesting or memorable. It’s not even played very well. And no, “C.M.” does not stand for Century Media. No respectable label in their right mind would sign these guys. (P.S. I have since read Friar Johnsen’s review of Blood Thirsty Demons’ other skull-laden album. He was much kinder to them, and that’s terrific. It might be a better album than this. It is five years on from this earlier one. But I am in one seriously shitty mood today, so sitting through 31 minutes of this guy’s yelping and his band’s hashed together metal junk is not helping lift my spirits.)
— Friar Wagner

SKULL240

Posted on by
Reply

FEAST FOR THE CROWS, When All Seems to Be Burned  (2007, Bastardized Recordings)

The skull:
For once my attention is not on the skull itself, but on the nonsense idea/graphics happening below. These two guys (identical twins, apparently) are talking simultaneously, saying “when all seems to be burned.” Very pessimistic, boys. They look dopey with their heads maned with what looks like yellow fire or sunflower petals. I’ll go with sunflower petals, just for fun. The skull itself, well he’s just hanging out above these guys, his ear holes having sprouted dragons and sporting wings behind him. You know how it is. Happens all the time. These wings apparently have no practical purpose for either skull or dragon. An ugly mess of yellow, this cover, with a concept that’s pretty much random nonsense without any meaning whatsoever. And yes indeed, I am looking for PROFOUND meaning in these skull covers! Maybe that’s the problem.

The music:
For a band who I’ve seen labelled as both “melodic death metal” and “metalcore,” I will give Feast For The Crows props: they are certainly melodic and deathly enough to qualify as “melodic death metal,” and if they’re “metalcore,” they certainly have equal amounts of metal and, uh, “core” to skate by. It’s not really my sort of thing, especially when they get into the slower breakdowns (as within “Abandon”) but they’re quite good at what they’re trying to achieve. The performances are all strong, although the drums sound much too fake/plastic. Getting further into the guts of this album, this is almost the missing link between Odium and Feel Sorry For the Fanatic that Morgoth failed to deliver. You know, that kind of German metal that sits in a genre-less nether-region, borrowing bits of this and bits of that and ending up with precision attack cold metal. F.F.T.C. give it a more modern/generic twist, but that’s the general wheelhouse this thing sits in.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL239

Posted on by
Reply

DYING FETUS, War of Attrition (2007, Relapse)

The skull:
Is this the first skull in the Big Dumb Skulls Skullection to wear a wig? We’ll have to
have our guys in the truck check the stats on that. The wig is not what the eye goes to
first, though: it’s the missles, the Statue of Liberty crown, and the American flags. You
wonder if this is some kind of anti-American statement or a hyper-patriotic one? Guessing
by the band name and the type of music they play, I’m assuming it’s neither…just a band
tired of parading out the guts ‘n’ entrails imagery looking for something more
intellectual to convey. Nice try.

The music:
It’s hard to take Dying Fetus to task for being so generic in style and delivery. They’re an interesting mixture on this album of tech-death, steamroller simplicity, super-low vocal delivery, and chunky post-death grooves. They’re still generic in style and delivery, but they’ve been doing it consistently since 1993, so I step back and offer respect for their longevity. As for their popularity, well, Miller Lite and Justin Bieber are extremely popular, so popularity is no indicator of quality. But that’s where the comparison stops: Dying Fetus have integrity, and I recognize that. Listening to War of Attrition, it’s hard not to be impressed with how tightly played it is, how technically dazzling some moments are (“Fate of the Condemned”) and how cleanly produced it is without lacking impact. I also wonder how anyone can make room for this in their life when so many other, more interesting death metal albums had already come before this album in 2007. I guess some people can eat McDonald’s every single day and never tire of it.
— Friar Wagner