SKULL436

Posted on March 12, 2014 by Friar Wagner

KRYPTERIA, All Beauty Must Die (2011, Liberatio Music)

The skull:
Another obviously female skull (see Skull434), what with those pretty eyes and all. The smile is not one of happiness, nor is it maniacal. It looks like a forced giddiness…and it is. You see, we here at Big Dumb Skulls HQ are often privy to various goings-on behind the scenes of the covers we present to you, dear reader. And we know that a gun was indeed being pointed at her in this frame, the weapon wielded by a villainous cretin repeating the album title to the skull, ordering her to smile for the artist painting her portrait. Kind of an old-school version of the snuff film. The feathers are there to add even more “beauty” to the whole scene, but why? That skull is beautiful enough, and…no…wait…what’s the deal with the Snidely Whiplash mustache? Despite that bit of confusion, we were just about to intervene and save this skull from its fate. We normally wouldn’t interfere — we are mere watchers and chroniclers, after all — but in this case we felt terrible for the gal. But then we heard the music and decided to leave the skull to its fate.

The music:
With such a lame album cover, should I have been surprised at the junkiness of the music? I faintly remember this band riding on a wave of hype in the mid 2000s, something talked up by people who like this sort of female-fronted symphonic gothic power metal crud. The whole album is junky, but “Turn the World Around” has a ridiculous sub-nu metal sort of male vocal accompaniment that is beyond unlistenable. It’s a sound and genre strictly for girls who know nothing about metal, guys who have never been laid and never will be, and little children. The vocals of Ji-In Cho are way, way too melodramatic, and are especially nauseating in “(How Can Something So Good) Hurt So Bad,” which sounds like something from a Little Mermaid soundtrack. If that’s your thing, go for it. As for Krypteria’s inclusion here on Big Dumb Skulls, if it weren’t for the Chris Broderick-level sweep-picked leads, I would have not recognized a single iota of this as “metal.” And even if there are a couple impressive riffs and other musical passages throughout final song, “The Eye Collector,” this is mostly the sort of music that makes me have to listen to something else immediately, as if to wash out my sullied ears with soap. (And Sadus debut Illusions will be that soap.) Please, kill the beauty. Now.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL435

Posted on March 11, 2014 by Friar Johnsen

THE WOUNDED KINGS, In the Chapel of the Black Hand (2011, I Hate)

The skull:
Though it was clearly painted by a high school senior, this is a nice and moody piece that’s only spoiled by the too-crisp typography of the logo and title. Though there’s nothing especially evocative of a chapel to be seen here, this at least looks like the sort of thing you might see in the Black Hand’s chapel, I suppose. And though it’s surely meant to be painted on, I prefer to think that the pentagram and its associated script is actually the most evil yarmulke ever, the ideal headgear for some serious hardcore satanic Kabbalah.

The music:
Ever wonder what Ozzy might sound like if he were a woman? If that nasal, pinched voice of his were pitched a half octave higher and with even less body? Well then, I have the band for you! Singer Sharie Neyland transforms otherwise merely boring occult doom metal into something uniquely annoying with her infuriating witchy poo voice. To be fair, if the greatest male singer of all time tried his hand at her melodies, he would also fail to inspire, as she seems intent on never moving more than a step at a time from the last note. Simply atrocious. The music is no worse than most shit in this vein (see also: Lord Vicar, Electric Wizard, et al) but that means it’s already bad enough to avoid. Add in these spectacularly shitty vocals and this is a must-miss affair.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL434

Posted on March 10, 2014 by Friar Wagner

BLACK FLAME, Septem (2011, Behemoth Productions)

The skull:
I tend to think of skulls as male for some reason, but who really knows the gender of these boneheads we’re evaluating? Four-hundred thirty-four skulls in and this is the first time one immediately strikes me as female. Possibly, in part, due to its modest size and reasonable proportion, but more because the skull looks like it belongs to Medusa, the Greek Gorgon whose main claim to fame was having snakes where her hair should be. Which begs the question: does the carpet match the drapes? It doesn’t appear that this artwork will be helpful in answering that timeless query. However, I do think I see a clue, or some kind of symbolism, in that triangle. Am I right, guys?

The music:
There are so many Italian metal bands with large discographies that no one knows much about. That’s largely because there are a ton of Italian metal bands that are technically very good at their chosen sub-genre (black metal, black/death, thrash and power metal being especially popular there), but deficient when it comes to having an engaging, distinctive musical voice. And many of these bands sound like mere analogs of more globally-recognized, non-Italian bands. This leads us to Septem, who have been around since 1998 and, unsurprisingly, are pretty okay but nothing more. They deliver a cruel, believable mesh of death and black metal, something that draws from the old Greek black metal scene and the Norwegian masters as much as it does more modern, precision sorts of sounds (think Behemoth). Sometimes they sound like Samael if they had continued down the dark path of Ceremony of Opposites instead of going the martial/industrial route. Sometimes they sound like Root if Root had suddenly decided to play with the intensity and adopt the robust production values of Vader instead of taking the progressive/eccentric path. But usually they just sound like they want to be Behemoth — and what modern death/black band doesn’t secretly wish they were Behemoth? Thing is, Black Flame don’t even make it a secret. It’s all there on Septem, right out in the open. What’s more: they’re signed to a label named Behemoth Productions. You can’t make this shit up. — Friar Wagner

SKULL433

Posted on March 9, 2014 by Friar Johnsen

TSJUDER, Atum Nocturnem (1999, demo)

The skull:
This fanged fellow, emerging from the blackness and mist, would look a whole lot scarier if his eyes weren’t LEDs. If he leapt out at you you’d probably think, “Shit! How did I end up in Halloween Adventure?” before petulantly swatting him down and saying, “Knock it off!” And then he’d slink back into the shadows, his skully tears threatening to short out his diodic eyes, as he mumbles that no one thinks he’s scary and what good is a skull who can’t scare anyone, etc. He just needs to meet up with Rudolph and that dentist elf and maybe some holiday-themed redemption could be his.

The music:
“Tsjuder” is apparently the Norwegian spelling of “Chud,” although that sadly does not refer to cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. Instead, it refers to any of a group of Finnic tribes from what is now Estonia. Doesn’t sound very evil to me, but what do I know? Anyway, Tsjuder are one of those black metal bands that has been around forever (they formed in 1993) and has a certain cult cachet, but who haven’t recorded all that much and whose main output came long after the peak of that scene. I never really cared to check them out, even though they’re fairly well known, and that’s worked out for me so far, because this is the kind of lame buzzy, braindead second wave black metal that I generally can’t stand. Strictly by-the-numbers stuff, corpse paint and all. I guess Immortal would be the closest point of comparison, but maybe there’s a more apt one to be made by someone more knowledgeable than me. Friar Wagner is our resident black metal experct, but I find it hard to imagine that he likes this all that much either. I think anyone still making exactly this kind of music in 1999 is unlikely to have been very clever about it.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL432

Posted on March 8, 2014 by Friar Wagner

WEREWOLF DIVISION, Nobody Lives Forever (2013, self-released)

The skull:
There’s this thing out there called the “law of attraction.” You focus on something consistently enough, and it will come. “Like attracts like.” It’s a bit like praying, and I don’t put much stock in it, but I’ve been talking about skulls with fangs a lot lately, and now I have a surfeit of them. Only a few skulls ago, 423 to be exact, I was marveling at the teeth on that guy. But, just like that, Skull432 comes moseying along and outfangs everybody. (“Outfangs” isn’t a word, you say? Is now. FTW.) This cover looks like it would belong to some hipster sludge or black metal band (ie. San Fran black/sludge), but it’s a deathcore band from Russia. What a world.

The music:
Whenever I hear the phrase “nobody lives forever,” I think of the immortal words from Hallows Eve, the ones that follow that titular phrase: “I try not to slip on my sweat.” Great lyric. But Werewolf Division don’t sound a damn thing like Hallows Eve. They’ve probably never even heard of Hallows Eve. No, Werewolf Division are one for young girls into Bring Me the Horizon. These Russians wear Bring Me the Horizon and Veil of Maya shirts too. It could be worse, of course, and they sound totally legit in their chosen musical field, but, to my ears, that’s a terrible choice. I could not get through this whole album, I’ll admit, not because it’s way too heavy or the performances and writing are poor…it’s just a style of music that only reminds me that the minutes are ticking by too quickly and I ain’t got a lot of time on this planet. Life’s too short and all that. I stand accused of skipping most of this album. Anyone upset about that, please take a look at the concept of this blog and get back to me about how I’m shirking my journalistic duties by not breaking down all the nuances of Nobody Lives Forever to provide exhaustive analysis on what I found in seven different passes through the material. I might listen to your gripe, but probably not. I’m in this for the skulls.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL431

Posted on March 7, 2014 by Friar Johnsen

DEFORMITY, Repulsions of War (1992, demo)

The skull:
At first glance, I thought I had another trepanned skull on my hands, but the cracks around the hole, not to mention the title, strongly suggest it’s a bullet hole. Which is fine. At least he died quick. Of course, had he held out a little longer, he could die even quicker when that swastigrenade goes off. I guess the black outline is supposed to suggest the helmeted soldier who used to carry this skull around, but it kind of looks like Velma from Scooby Doo is trying to hide behind the skull. She’s pretty repulsive, I guess, but not particularly warlike, even if her name is very Germanic sounding.

The music:
This was recorded in 1992 at Sunlight Studios in Stockholm, so you can pretty much already imagine exactly what it sounds like, although in addition to the obvious influence of their countrymen, I hear a not-insignificant amount of Bolt Thrower here as well (particularly on the title track and “In Fear”), which is certainly a welcome addition to the mix. The singer basically splits the difference between LG Petrov and John Liiva, which is to say he sounds pretty bad-ass. Obviously, we at Skull HQ complain tirelessly about unoriginal bands, but the truth is, when it comes to this early Swedish death metal, we’re pretty much always game, no matter how much it sounds like everything else that came out of that scene from 1989 to 1992, and even then, Deformity is exceptionally cool. Better than Desultory for sure. They don’t quite rise to Nirvana 2002 level cult status, but they’re quite good and worth hearing if you like this shit.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL430

Posted on March 6, 2014 by Friar Wagner

TOTENKOPF, Fuck With Noise! (1991, demo)

The skull:
“Totenkopf” means “skull and crossbones” in German, basically. How can we not feel good about these Poles’ decision to name themselves thusly? The word and skull/crossbones design has a link to the Nazi regime, but that’s obviously not the agenda here. And boy, this skull is getting a good bashing-in. It gives me a headache to look at it. Dude’s getting brained like no skull’s ever been brained before! Apparently this is what happens to you if you fuck with noise.

The music:
Stuck in a demo loop, this Friar is, although this one proved too obscure to show its ugly face. I know it’s happened to the good Friar Johnsen a couple times (who’s actually better at finding deeply-hidden obscurities than I), but this is the first time I’ve been unable to locate music on a B.D.S. submission. All I found was an old dead-end Youtube link for the song “P.S.O.O.C. (Paradise System Out of Control).” Considering this demo is just over 21 minutes and features 11 songs plus an intro, and they’re described as “death/grind” on Metal Archives, and they wear Terrorizer and Napalm Death shirts, you can pretty much guess what it’s derivative of. I’ll bet Century Media looked at signing them for half a second, figured the name was too politically incorrect, passed on them, and swung all the way to the other side and signed Rumble Militia. (This doesn’t conform to the historical timeline exactly, but work with me here, okay?)
— Friar Wagner

SKULL429

Posted on March 5, 2014 by Friar Johnsen

SARCASTIC TERROR, Infernal Hatred (1995, Dark Side)

The skull:
Oh, I bet you’ve never seen a skull in the clouds before. No, sir, this is a totally original piece of work, and brilliantly executed at that. The way the bone fades into the sky is utterly convincing, and the big, awesome logo/eyepatch doesn’t at all detract from the symmetry of the design. BOO!

The music:
Gurgly death metal that sounds to me kind of like early Earache material, like Carcass, but slower. So basically, like Bolt Thrower trying to sound like Carcass. With Chris Barnes singing. Only way less fun than all of that sounds. WAY less. I’ve heard worse. I probably own worse. But, this is some seriously dull shit in my book, and considering this half-of-a-split-CD is the only commercial release from Sarcastic Terror, I’m just gonna go ahead and call this “inessential.”
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL428

Posted on March 4, 2014 by Friar Wagner

DIAVE, Akatastasia (1998, demo)

The skull:
Well, it’s not the worst piece of computer-generated skull art we’ve ever seen. If you look closely, and use your imagination just a tiny bit, you can imagine strings of dental floss hanging from the skull’s uppers. Even in death, even in a lightning storm after death, flossing is so important. As that poster on your dentist’s wall says: “You don’t have to floss all of your teeth…just the ones you want to keep!”

The music:
The list of chintzy gothic/death/doom bands from mid ’90s Europe is endless. Enchantment…Cemetery of Scream…As Serenity Fates…Castle…Jesus, kill me now. I love the Peaceville Three and various others in that vein, but what My Dying Bride, Paradise Lost and Anathema started in the early ’90s is not only un-toppable, but unfortunately became a playground for lesser bands to drag through the mud of crappy vocals, cheesy productions, dinky keyboards, and horrible wailing opera wenches. This long-forgotten Polish band were one of the most unremarkable of this sordid lot, but remark I shall. Diave are fourth-tier at best. Ham-fisted thematic guitar lines, ham-fisted drumming…ham-fisted everything. Can singing and production also be ham-fisted? If so, Diave commit these atrocities as well. They not only give a bad name to the gothic/death/doom genre, but also to hams and fists.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL427

Posted on March 3, 2014 by Friar Johnsen

CARICATURE, Emptiness (1991, demo)

The skull:
Friar Wagner has a special affinity for trepanated skulls, for reasons I think are best left unsaid, and usually when The Council assigns holey skulls to him, but today I’m treated with a lovely French specimen. I’m hardly an expert in these areas, but the hole seems to be a fair bit larger than is needed to relive pressure. Perhaps this skull belonged to a autotrepanation addict, who just kept making the hole bigger and bigger to sate his weird peccadillo. He wouldn’t be the first guy to get carried away with his hobbies, though, and lord knows I’ve gone down the rabbit hole a few times myself, so I should be thankful, I suppose, that my vices don’t involve power drills.

The music:
It’s probably unfair to compare all Finnish death metal bands to Sentenced, just as it’s unfair to compare all Swedish death metal bands to Entombed. Really, it might be that early Sentenced sounds like Caricature, who were maybe the kings of Helsinki, but I just don’t know enough about the chronology and cross-pollination of that scene at its onset to say who was the leader and who the follower. But there’s no denying the strong national character that defined the sounds coming out of those Scandinavian nations in the late 80s and early 90s, and neverminding the chicken and egg problem, I know what Sentenced sounded like at the beginning, and Caricature sounds like that. The best comparison I can muster otherwise is Consuming Impulse-era Pestilence, but not nearly as good, or as piercingly bleak. This is fine stuff, if a bit raw, and while it’s hardly groundbreaking, if you like northern death metal from the dawn of the 90s, then you’ll probably like Caricature.
— Friar Johnsen